As I was preparing for my word sharing tonight, which is the scariest thing for now — to share the word of God and to impart wisdom to people double my age, ranges from 45-65 years old, I realised the night before I was there sitting by the couch with a close friend of mine discussing about boys.

The material I had was on Mark 13, and in Mark 13:32-33, “But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father. Be on guard! Be alert! You do not know when that time will come.”

I remembered vividly that when I came to London, my mind was filled with the higher purpose and calling of God. I was spirit-filled and strengthen; I was excited. And there I was, talking and thinking about mindless things like boys!

I wasn’t only talking and thinking, I was obsessed. Instead of catching up on my lent studies, I was reading about Psychology behavior of the opposite sex. As much as I want to admit and joke about it that, YES, I’m clueless about boys or men, however, that is not my purpose in life! My purpose in life is not trying to figure out if this boy or man likes me, or how they react when they like me.

My purpose in life is to “Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,” Matt 28:19. Was I on guard? Will Jesus Christ catch me sleeping upon His return?

Sometimes in life, the devil could tempt you with the slightest unawareness — who doesn’t talk about boys? The main idea here is not if we talk about boys, it is the main intention here. Why did we talk about boys?

There is no point trying to figure out the dating world if there is no purpose in dating. Dating should always have marriage as the back of its mind; and marriage should be two flawed individuals trying their best to work together to achieve a higher purpose on earth.

Dear Father, I’m truly sorry that I lost sight of You and hence, I lost faith in You. I have to confess that I didn’t trust You with all my heart and all my soul in providing me a husband hence I was trying to use my own strength to achieve it. Please help me to not waste anymore of my time and strength to obsess about unnecessary matters on earth because You have called me into a higher mission. In Jesus name, Amen.

Just started a new job at Harrods and I tube every single day.

Nothing longer than 25 minutes ride every single trip, however, I learned how to stare at my own reflection on the tube window. Ps. Staring at myself is less creepy than staring at a stranger, at least I reckon so.

That dark, tinted windows somehow reflect your face but not perfectly like a mirror. Some features of yours will be altered and sometimes, your eyes will appear higher or your nose, or your eyes brows change its place. It’s just minor changes on your face but it does make you look like another person entirely.

It got me thinking, how can such small changes make me almost unrecognisable?

If that small changes seem so insignificant, how did it make such a significant impact? And does this apply to life in general as well?

Like picking up a new habit. To put everything back to their original place after using it. To put on the armour of God before going to work. To encourage someone everyday. To give sincere compliment to make a person’s day.

Recently, I have made some changes in my prayer too. Instead of asking for strength to face the tough and mean people at work, I pray that I will be able to react with peace and love towards these people. I still get ticked off by them, but I realised that I’m not that bothered by it anymore. It’s still a great learning curve for me; have to stress that I have never met people that mean in my life though. Oh well, that means God thinks that I’m ready to face these people right?

Little steps for little changes, I do think that it goes a long way. The significant impact might not be instant but I believe that, it will occur in due time.

In due time, my old self will be unrecognisable. Little changes everyday, changes that will transform me to be more like Jesus.

 

It’s been a few really rough weeks.

To type this after a complete melt down actually is a miracle itself. To turn around so quickly within 24 hours is another miracle.

Truly, only Jesus to be praised because without Him, I won’t see again and I won’t be able to think straight now.

After releasing and throwing out all my frustrations and anger, it made me realise the root of all these bogged down emotion and has been piling up within me, unknowingly. Frustration and anger turned resentment and hurt, it just crippled my heart and spirit each and everyday, slowly but surely.

Because of this new job, I felt that I was taken away from the community whom I call family, whom I feel safe around, whom I ran to whenever I feel troubled. I felt that I sacrificed everything I know about life. I felt unjust, unfair and unheard. I felt that I lost a whole of me, instead of a part of me.

However, isn’t church community supposed to be just a part of me, not a whole of me anyway?Isn’t Jesus supposed to be that whole of me? Where is Jesus in this picture?

I was merely lost in a sea of “just me, me and me”, to see His purpose, His ways and His light.

If God allowed it to be taken away from me, He thinks that I’m equipped to face it. Perhaps, there is a reason why He provided and took it away. I need to learn from Job.

For the time being, I really need to bring everything unto Him and let Him heal my open wounds, before I can continue to fight on and be His conqueror.

How much are you willing to give up to achieve your dream?

I called my dream my calling, the passion that God has given me.

However, it’s a path; a process; a journey.

In that path you chose, you go through a process of God moulding you, taking out things that He doesn’t want you to possess, shaping your character, building you into this diamond that He has purposed you to become. This is a painful journey; a humbling journey, it’s as if every ounce of ego and pride you have is being torn from you, sometimes it aches a little like it’s being chipped away by the crack hammer, sometimes it pains you so much that it is almost unbearable.

Everytime I ask God or scream at or cry out to God,

“Why and how could this be happening?” “What do you want me to learn?”

Here I am, my ego is badly bruised, how I long for security like other normal being, how I long to not feel like shit, how I feel that I dun feel belonged or wanted anywhere now.

It’s so important to remind myself that this world is not my home, it’s crucial that Jesus came down and died for me on the cross and He desires me, all my love and attention, and that is enough.

For those thoughts comfort me, having Jesus as my anchor comforts me. As I am journeying in this extremely difficult journey, emotionally and spiritually, I learned how to rely on Jesus heavily.

Thank you Jesus for desiring me even when I find myself abandoned and unwanted. Thank you Jesus for being my comfort, my anchor and my teacher.

Time really does fly, I still can’t believe that it’s been a year since I left my home, my comfort zone, everything I thought life was all about.

As I look back, I realised that I have come a long; an extremely long, long way. I can honestly say that the past one year will remain as one of the highlights in my life.

If I would have to summarise my whole year of adventure in one word, it will definitely be humility. The “I” in me was crushed on a daily basis, every single pride and ego in me was basically digged out and shattered into unrecognisable pieces. That was a long and quite painful process, however I know clearly that it was for a higher and better purpose.

I bagged many precious experiences and lessons. As cliche as it sounds, you will never know how much you gain until you learned that how much you have lost. Without a stable job and a stable stream of income, I learned that it is alright to receive blessings. Without a life with security and comfort, I learned how to find security in Jesus and comfort in the counting my blessings. Without my circle of friends and familiar faces, I learned how to make new friends and call them my family away from home because there’s a chinese idiom, “在家靠父母，在外靠朋友。“  which literally means that you depend on your family at home, but you depend on your friends when you are out. I’m still amazed at how blessed I am to have so many amazing and wonderful friends in just mere one year, when London is known for its coldness and loneliness. Without much to spend, I realised that it is definitely a joy to be able to give.

3 unpaid internships, 3 months working at a cafe, 3 times moving — woah, as I look back, it’s been a pretty eventful year!

Fear, insecurities, discomfort, instability and “am I doing the right thing?” were my daily struggles. “Are they friends or foe?”, remain my daily questions too. Obviously, the former on good days and the latter on bad days.

Trust me, I’m also a mortal mere human being, I do have my ups and downs.

During my meltdowns, I usually do a few things if you are curious about how I deal with it. (It’s usually once a month, pretty aligned to the monthly PMS I would mention, HAHAHAHA!)

It’s important to take a step back and breathe, look around you and try to say one thing you are grateful for. Then, if that doesn’t help at all, journal all the questions that you have for God. Retrieve yourself to a quiet corner (I usually do it in the toilet if I’m at work or in my room.) and pray. Lastly, talk to a friend whom you can count on to listen and speak some sense into you because it usually defeats the purpose to talk to someone who cannot help with the situation at all, though at times it’s good enough to have a listener.Ultimately, it really depends what you need at the time when you need it.

It’s extremely useful to do reflection every now and then, hence the post. Because,

Andre Leon Talley said, “You can’t go toward the future without some sense of the past. Everything in life goes in cycles, and you cannot have any strength if you don’t know what the masters did. Masters in fashion would be the history of Balenciaga, the history of Yves Saint Laurent, the history of the 18th century. How can you even talk about fashion if you don’t know the modern impact of YSL’s great, great body of work?”

Even though it seemed kinda irrelevant but hey, I’m in fashion! 😛

This is not a joke, I actually dread turning 28 in 3 days time.

Every year, I will look forward to 8th of January because it’s a day when I get to feel special and eat whatever I want and not be judged. Haha.

However, this year feels very different,

In 3 days time, I will be asking myself the same question over and over again. It will sound something like that, “I’m 28! I’m 28! oh nooooo, what have I done? what have I achieved in life?” And it goes on for a few days, maybe.

Let’s snap back to the present or ok, I want to write about the past now.

I did a private review and journaling on 2014, boy, I must say, “What an eventful year it was!” Life has never been boring ever since I ventured into my adventure to the neverland… I mean to chase a very faraway dream.

Through this journey of mine, I realised that I learned so many things; both about myself and everything around me.

So, here goes.

1. I learned how to live with very minimum.

2. I learned how to plan my journey, it often takes 1 hour or more to reach a destination in London.

3. I learned how to walk to my destination, I mean walking to replace any mode of transport.

4. I learned how to communicate with my mum.

5. I learned how to be humble, unlearn everything and relearn again.

6. I learned how to listen.

7. I learned how to do grocery shopping, by myself.

8. I learned how to live by myself and take care of everything by myself.

9. I learned how to rely on God more, extra extra more when I was in Malaysia.

10. I learned how to find a room to rent, by myself.

11. I learned how to pack my things to move, by myself.

12. I learned how to live with others who are not my family nor friends; and make fast friends with them.

13. I learned how to cook, and found out that I’m a pretty good chef.

14. I learned not to judge people based on the first impression, I might be wrong a lot of times.

15. I learned when to talk and when not to, I’m not good at this but I’m still learning.

16. I learned that life is really too short, to stay with someone who makes your life difficult as hell.

17. I learned that I have an imagination for taste buds and food recipes, which honestly is a pretty good skill to have when it comes to a food diva like me.

18. I learned that I miss Malaysia like crazy that I start making Malaysia food and recommending Malaysia to everyone I meet.

19. I learned that I wanna be a shoe designer.

20. I learned that God has blessed me with many quality friends, which I’m eternally grateful for.

21. I learned how to give up on myself, and pick myself up again after.

22. I learned about all the allergies I have, milk, soy, coconut, peanut…the list ends here, for now!

23. I learned about my skin so much more.

24. I went from using chemicals to organic stuff to pure natural, I’m now back to commercial skin care — Dermalogica.

25. I realised that I don’t really know myself, I still have loads of discovery to do with myself.

2014 has not been an ordinary year for me, it was really extraordinary. I would have never expected myself to be typing this in my cousin’s room, in my uncle’s house in UK if you ask me 2 years back. I sometimes wonder what if I never pluck up the courage and stayed on? Or what if I come to the UK when I was younger?

Oh well, I’m here now. Let’s make the best out of where I am and who I am now, shall we?

I’m pretty excited about 2015 honestly. 🙂